


sweet release and sex organs

by saetan



Series: softmoon's midnight malfunctions [1]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: (sort of), Attempt at Humor, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Avenger Loki (Marvel), Crack, Crushes, Dirty Jokes, Flirting, Human Disaster Tony Stark, M/M, also sesil !!! this is ur fault too bc u asked for headcanons, he....jfdfglgjlg, this is the art of seduction my friends, truly this is all midnight me and pavi's fault
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-12
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:48:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26965456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saetan/pseuds/saetan
Summary: “Whatin the Nine Realms wasthat?"“I’m sorry, what– did you really just ask me that?”OR: Loki has a lot of questions about Midgardian Anatomy.
Relationships: Loki/Tony Stark
Series: softmoon's midnight malfunctions [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1967980
Comments: 19
Kudos: 188





	sweet release and sex organs

**Author's Note:**

  * For [rhodee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rhodee/gifts), [Rabentochter](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rabentochter/gifts).



> i don't even know. don't ask.

Tony’s eyes flutter shut as he sighs through his blessed release. _God_ , _finally_.

He’d been holding his piss in for eight hours.

_Eight. Hours._

And, you know what, that's what he gets for listening to Steve for once. Never again.

 _“It’s a short stealth mission,”_ he said

 _“Just bring the Gauntlet,”_ he said.

 _“We don’t have_ time _to prepare,”_ he said.

Yeah, well, when Tony was _forced_ out of bed that evening without warning, he’d _already_ had to pee. 

And, fuck Steve Rogers, _honestly._ Because Tony knows for a _fact_ he probably sat there for thirty minutes grooming and getting all pretty for this mission before waking him up because, contrary to popular belief, being a super soldier does _not_ mean you have magically styled hair all the time – that’s more Loki’s forte.

Oh, which reminds him, _fuck_ Steve Rogers againfor making Tony go out looking like an absolute mess with way too much piss in his bladder _just to find out_ Loki, _Loki,_ was coming along too.

_Loki!_

Tony has to look _nice_ around Loki. He made it _three_ weeks without embarrassing himself in front of him – and that isa record, ask Rhodey. Loki still thinks Tony’s this sort-of put-together (sexy) billionaire superhero genius, and, okay, he’s _really_ good at reading people so he’s probably figured Tony out already, but _listen_. Tony’s just doing what he’s gotta do to impress (seduce) him, to the best of his abilities. 

And according to Pepper, it’s the effort that counts.

 _Well_.

Well.

That’s all thrown out the window (hah, memories) now because...Tony is taking a piss. Right in front of them. _Him_. 

In front of Loki.

And the worst part is, he has half the mind to care because goddammit he’s a _human_ and his primal instincts took over. _Eight hours_ is a _long_ time and, yes, they’re just 2 miles away from the tower, but 2 miles is _a lot_. A lot. And he _can’t take it anymore_.

He’s been _blessed_ with a dick that makes it _easy_ for him to piss into a bush, so he’d be an idiot _not_ to appreciate his advantage. So, obviously, seeing as he doesn’t ever want to be like Steve, he _is_ taking full advantage.

God Bless America.

It isn’t until he’s zipping up and turning around that he feels _all_ the dread pour into his body, wrapping around and twisting in his stomach.

Loki is...uh, staring right at him.

Eyes wide, bewildered, eyebrows scrunched, mouth twitching. He doesn’t say anything, he just... _stares_.

“ _What_ in the Nine Realms was _that_?” 

And... _huh?_ What kinda _question_ was _that_?

“I’m sorry, what– did you really just ask me that?”

Loki doesn’t respond, he just quirks a brow, shock still evident on his face. His fist is clenched to his side like he’s one second away from screaming and his eyes dance all over Tony like he’s trying to solve the fucking _Collatz Conjecture._

What is going _on._

Even Steve’s looking between them with confusion, like he can’t process the idea that Loki, the intelligent, witty, too-sharp _god_ himself, just asked Tony _that_ either.

“Loki, you’re _joking,_ ”

“ _Why_ would this be a joking matter, Anthony?”

“ _Because it’s–_ oh my _god_ , you really aren’t joking. _Jesus_ , it’s _piss_ , Loki. I was pissing.”

The bewildered stare doesn’t go away and he simply furrows his brow deeper, his lips mouth the word like he’s trying to make a connection between it and some distant memory.

“Urination?” Steve _stupidly_ provides– oh, nevermind, _helpfully_ provides because now Loki’s eyebrows shoot up in recognition.

“ _Urination_? I’ve only heard of it in _legend._ Hold on a moment, it happens through your _sex–"_

And Tony _cannot_ take that, “ _Legend?_ Piss, _piss_ , is _legend_ to Asgardians? To literal _Gods?_ ”

“Y _es,_ Anthony, but can we focus on the truly surprising matter here, _you urinate through your sex organ_?”

Steve’s choking on his laughter at this point and the only thing stopping Tony from laughing too is the fact that this is _Loki_ and he doesn’t want to make him feel bad, but more importantly, _Loki_ is talking about _Tony_ and _sex organs._

“Okay, first of all,” Tony clears his throat, “if you say _sex organ_ one more time I might just have to chop yours off. But _yes_ , technically, we do.”

“Oh, that is...preposterous, truly _deplorable_.”

Tony snorts, “Oh, _please_ , and what do you guys do? Enlighten me.”

“We _don’t_. We don’t need to. Asgardians don’t eat nearly as much or as often as Midgardians do. If we had to _eat_ in order to sustain our _superior”_ –Tony rolls his eyes–“ _beings_ , we’d have no time for anything else _but_ that.

“Asgardians, Anthony, we conserve energy, we use up everything, harmful substances do not really exist for us. We are _quite_ durable, if you had not noticed. _And_ we certainly do not rely on food. There are other ways to gain and exert energy. Eating is merely leisure, and excretion is out of the question.”

And, _okay_. That is all very new information to Tony. He soaks it up like a sponge, intrigue spiking because it’s _so easy_ to forget Loki’s an actual _alien_. So _of course_ there are huge discrepancies in their lifestyles, in their anatomy. 

Questions ricochet off the walls of his mind, loud and fast, absorbing and deciphering all that he’s hearing, _Oh so that's why he's the only one who doesn't have a "designated power snack" section in the fridge._ _What_ does _he like to eat for fun?_ _Does_ _he even like eating? Wait, does this mean Asgardians just_ _eat for pretty much_ no _real reason? What a waste. Oh, and what are these inconspicuous “other ways” to gain energy anyway? What else is different between his and my anatomy? Haha, he has a pure cock. Wait, does he_ have _a cock? What–_

“Well,” Tony chuckles, blush rising to his cheeks as he meets Loki’s gaze, “Does this mean oral's off the table?”

The sound Steve makes (something between a choke and a cough, _gross_ ) is _hilarious,_ but Tony barely notices, all his attention focused on the glimmer in Loki’s eyes and the smirk on his lips.

“ _Giving_ , absolutely. But I am still perfectly comfortable with receiving.”

“Oh, so you know oral but you're clueless on piss. Right. Okay. _Well_ _then_. I’m making an assumption here, but, if you ever need another _way_ to exert, or gain, some energy, my door’s always open.”

It’s with the picture of Steve gawking and Loki’s lips parting in pleased surprise that Tony turns around to continue his way back to the tower, a smug smile plastered across his face. 

**Author's Note:**

> tee hee. comment if u'd like but pls dont come @ me with ur asgardian facts !! 
> 
> [tumblr](https://rambeaus.tumblr.com/) ⍣


End file.
